Some More Golden Oldies

Customer Service Calls to God
By Ryan Garns

Support Rep: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today?
Woman Caller: (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God.
Support Rep: I'm sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there's something I can assist you with?
Woman Caller: M-My father... he's... in a coma.
Support Rep: Okay. May I get your ID number, ma'am?
Woman Caller: What? I don't have...
Support Rep: It's on the back of your bible.
Woman Caller: (The receiver is jostled. Pause) ...56839?
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone?
Woman Caller: Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God... to look out for my father... and... deliver him from--
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. I just activated your father. Try him now.
Father: (In background) Mary? What's going on?
Woman Caller: Oh my God! He's awake!!
Support Rep: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Woman Caller: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Support Rep: You're welcome, ma'am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur--
(Line goes dead.)
Support Rep: Thank you for calling God. My name is Todd. How may I assist you today?
Male Caller: Yes, I would like to submit a complaint. I recently--
Support Rep: Please hold.
("Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett plays over the line. The song fades out...)
Recording: Did you know that you can now pray to God online? Just log on to god-online.com/pray. It's free and easy. Try it today. ¿Sabías que puedes ahora rogar a dios en línea? Apenas señalar--
Support Rep: (Cuts in) Complaints. This is Janice.
Male Caller: Hello, Janice. I recently submitted a prayer to God asking that the Phoenix Suns win the divisional playoffs. And they were knocked out in the first round 4 to 1.
Support Rep: Can I get your ID number, sir?
Male Caller: 83628. And I'm very upset because I had season tickets and we had a whole trip planned to--
Support Rep: I'm sorry, sir, but your account status doesn't cover frivolous prayers such as lotteries, stock portfolios or sporting events.
Male Caller: I see.
Support Rep: Would you like to upgrade to Evangelical?
Recording: Hello, I'm an automated operator. In order to properly direct your call, please say the name of your religion.
Caller: Buddhism.
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: Buddhism!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say--
Caller: BUDDHISM!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could--
Caller: BOO-DIZ-UMM!!!!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: (Sighs) Christianity.
Recording: Very good. Let's proceed...